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Joke of the Day

"I'm so happy I finally tied the knot. Now I've just got to kick the chair she's standing on and I'm a free man!"

"To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap."

"No one laughed at my joke I wrote on the wall of the toilet stall... I guess I need to work on my toilet humor."

"Why are asprins white? Because they work."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off..."

"I finally found a girlfriend and when I did I got really pumped. Sadly after a year in the storage she needed a lot of pumping as well."

"What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house."

"Why do skeletons have so many kids? Because all they can do is bone."

"Whenever someone says they have ""a thing"" for me, I secretly hope it's a pony."

"My wife got angry when I said ""Samsung""... Apparently that was the wrong answer to: ""What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"""