169449

Joke of the Day

"""I traded my carpet in for bare floors"" --coworker. ""Oh, me too. I love the shaved look."", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet."

"Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice"

"Why was Luke Skywalker convicted of rape ? He used the force ."

"Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning? For the Good of the Caws."

"What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

"What does your momma and a hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods."

"[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless"

"JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I'll let u go free ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY"

"America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone."

"I hadn't seen my girlfriend for a while... When she saw me, she said, ""Wow, your hands are so soft!"" ""But... where have you been working out?"""