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Joke of the Day

"""I traded my carpet in for bare floors"" --coworker. ""Oh, me too. I love the shaved look."", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet."

"don't kid yourself, the pace at which the cursor blinks before a blank space in a document is the actual heartbeat of God"

"People have been on the hunt for sasquatch for some time now. Finding one has proven to be no small feat."

"What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)"

"Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"

"I'm so glad l had piles of paperwork on my desk to soak up the coffee I spilled."

"Field testing has shown that coworkers are most likely to enter my office 8-11 seconds after I fart."

"What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? a pok-e-mon!"

"[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?"

"Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make up everything."