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Joke of the Day

"[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless"

"The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together"

"[orchestra] VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question? VIOLIN 2: Um, okay. V1: What's up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?"

"66% of being a woman is just hiding the remote when you're mad"

"How did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

"Q: What did the tie say to the neck? A: I think I'll just hang around."

"The iPad Air is named after what's left in your bank account when you buy one."

"Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn't yarn before."

"The iCloud leaks weren't an accident at all. It was Apple trying to make up for causing Adam and Eve to have to wear clothes in the first place."

"Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman"