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Joke of the Day

"I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room. For Jesus."

"So I was all ""I'm not taking any shit from you, bitch"" and she was all ""to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1""."

"I once had a girlfriend who had a lazy eye... I had to dump her because she was seeing other people."

"They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome."

"What did the robber with an errection say? This is a stick-up."

"Seriously, soup? If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar."

"How do you change the number of sides in a pentagon? You intersect it with a plane."

"What is a male pirates biggest fear? A sunken chest with no booty."

"WebMD just diagnosed me as fergalicious"

"I've limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since."