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Joke of the Day

"I've limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since."

"Looking out the hospital window while mom is resting on bed. That was either dad or superman falling of the roof."

"How to discipline your rock *you hit rock bottom*"

"Is it weird that Nirvana's In Utero album cover turns me on? No wait, it isn't In Utero. It's...Nevermind"

"My doctor told me not to eat anything fatty... ...my wife is going to be disappointed."

"It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list."

"Life is short, which means it can't get on any of the cool rides."

"I'm so hipster... I wear modern clothes before anybody in the future wears them as hipster fashion."

"I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, ""I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."" Then I said, ""turn left."""

"Your gene pool could use a little chlorine."