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Joke of the Day

"How do I know I'm not Daniel Day-Lewis?"

"Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!"

"95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now. Overall productivity level remains steady."

"[job interview] ""any public speaking experience?"" not since the valedictorian speech in high school ""very impressive"" I yelled 'YOU SUCK'"

"I'm getting tired of all the Turkey news Turkey didn't need the Recep and frankly I don't either."

"I like my women how I like my drinks Soft and extra large."

"What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin."

"Know what ""buffet"" stands for? Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together. Credit: This loud big ugly fat fucker drinking a few tables away from me at this bar."

"What does a dyslexic klan member hate? Gingers"

"If I went back in time I'd tell myself... ""Don't wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!"""