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Joke of the Day

"HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin"

"My friend told me he wanted to find the electrical resistance of Jesus. I was like ""Ohm my God!"""

"I Saw a Huge Seagull Today It was big enough to be a D Gull. But not quite big enough to be an Eagle"

"The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull..."

"In capitalist America, you grab people by the pussy. In Soviet Russia, you seize the means of reproduction."

"Anne Hathaway always looks like she's unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is"

"CNN is like a strip club... They keep dancing around all the polls."

"How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube"

"So I was Complaining about 1st world problems the other day When I realized that my complaining is a first world problem"

"Next week I have an MRI scheduled to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."