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Joke of the Day

"In capitalist America, you grab people by the pussy. In Soviet Russia, you seize the means of reproduction."

"[playing pictionary] Her: A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU! Him: Its a door knocker."

"Okay stranger, it's clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand."

"I can never remember, is it ""break a leg"" or ""choke and die""? My niece looked pretty upset."

"The phrase ""Whatever floats your boat"" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water."

"Saw Robin Hood. Basically it's a film about stealing 13 dollars from evil movie-goers and giving it to the studios."

"Most people have 32 teeth. Some People have 10. Its simple meth."

"How do you call the guy who immigrates to Saudi Arabia? Wannabee Wahhabi."

"the turkey takes his mask off it's edward snowden obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now"

"I'm not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example."