159504

Joke of the Day

"[Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here"

"When a Dutch reporter asked Arjen Robben what he was going to do after the world cup, he told him; I'm going diving in Mexico."

"GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in! GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I'm good."

"Apparently saying ""If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby"" is not a good way to congratulate someone."

"Angry kids are like toys. Wind them up and watch them go."

"Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn't hired such a gifted nap specialist."

"Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook."

"Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people."

"Why do Irish women have small nipples? If they were any bigger their babies would get alcohol poisoning."

"So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already."