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Joke of the Day

"[Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here"

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"When a Dutch reporter asked Arjen Robben what he was going to do after the world cup, he told him; I'm going diving in Mexico."
"GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in! GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I'm good."
"Apparently saying ""If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby"" is not a good way to congratulate someone."
"Angry kids are like toys. Wind them up and watch them go."
"Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn't hired such a gifted nap specialist."
"Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook."
"Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people."
"Why do Irish women have small nipples? If they were any bigger their babies would get alcohol poisoning."
"So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already."