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Joke of the Day

"I hold my iPhone up outside your window to play our song. A 90 second ad plays first."

"Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten"

"Why did Hugh Jackman single handedly stop a Franciscan botanist from accidentally dropping a match in the forest? Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

"Excuse miss can you tell me does this rag smell like chloroform?"

"Accidentally left creatine out on the counter overnight and there's a bigass 3"" tall ant in my kitchen calling me bro now... scared to go in"

"I just came up with Trump's inauguration drink I call it, ""Make America Smashed Again"" It's a White Russian with pumpkin spice."

"Did You Hear About My Friend? His whole left side was cut off... He's alright now."

"They say dog is a man's best friend and diamonds are a girl's best friend but My best friends are cows because steak and handbags."

"How do Muslims like their food served? Allah Carte"

"I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it."