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Joke of the Day

"I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's ""adorable,"" but if I do, I'm ""causing a disturbance"" and ""need to leave""? Whatever."

"Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer."

"I got arrested for breaking into the Chinese restaurant. Don't worry, my attorney said that I'll probably wok."

"Christmas cards are how old people say, ""Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"""

"What do you call a pile of kittens? a meowtain!"

"I made a false deity out of bubble wrap today I call Him Pop Idol"

"How do you blow a movie quote? You just put your lips together and whistle"

"What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger"

"""this wing of the facility is where we do updog research"" ""what's updog"" ""that's what we're trying to determine"""

"Laurie got offended just because I used the word ""puke"" But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."