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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent"

"My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better"

"I like my lantern like I like my metal Core"

"The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I'm eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled."

"[911 call] ""My hand's stuck in a blender!"" ""Turn it on then."" ""What?"" "" I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."""

"Wife: Hi, did you eat? Me: Did you eat? Wife: Are you copying me? Me: Are you copying me? Wife: I love you! Me: Yes, I already ate"

"I have 3 moods: - Skips every song on my iPod. - Lets the music play without interruption. - Plays the same song on repeat for days."

"A is a Canadian's favourite chord.. ..but Am is a pedophile's."

"BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags? ME: Of course! BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]"

"Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now! Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?"