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Joke of the Day

"Let's name our sandwich shop after smelly trains."

"HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON'T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY"

"What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits."

"Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked."

"What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jupiter"

"My daughter asked me to tell her a joke this morning. What is a cow's favorite animal? A Moooose."

"Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish."

"Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning."

"[On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye."

"What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap."