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Joke of the Day

"ME: Leave me alone! You're not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton."

"If someone stands you up and doesn't call, stay positive. They could be dead."

"Being a Zombie doesn't sound that bad. You don't have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now."

"Did you hear how Mexico announced it's solving their country's housing crisis? The Mexican government has decided to build apartment"

"I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat."

"I've opened a restaurant called 'Karma'... There's no menu, you just get what you deserve."

"Shouldn't you pet him first? Two guys are in a park and see a dog licking it's nuts. First Guy: ""Damn I wish I could do that"" Second Guy: ""Shouldn't you pet him first?"""

"I haven't talked to my wife in 8 months... I didn't want to interrupt"

"80% of making $120 million is just showing up."

"What do you call a Jewish feline? A yama-cat"