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Joke of the Day

"First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind."

"Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

"What does a neckbeard call his imaginary girlfriend and his disease? Ma'lady"

"Why be on time when I can make shitty excuses?"

"What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush."

"Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling."

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."

"The only time a moth flies in a straight line is... while farting"

"Sorry; I didn't get your message because I deleted it without listening."

"HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What's updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar"