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Joke of the Day

"ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap."

"Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable."

"Bought sneakers from my drug dealer Idk what he laced them with, but I been trippin for hours"

"How do you top a car? You tep on the brake, tupid!"

"Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money's on LACK of intelligence."

"Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling."

"Some asshole has got my pen is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket. edit: punctuation."

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapuss"

"Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird."

"In what realm does Thor use his hammer the most? Milfheim"