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Joke of the Day

"Tip: ""At the same time"" has more characters than ""simultaneously."" The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder."

"*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is."

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh..."

"Whats the only bad thing about head from an anorexic girl? She won't swallow"

"My Dad couldn't pull out of my Mom... ...but at least he could pull out of my life."

"Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves."

"The last thing The last thing OJ said to Nicole? your waiter will be right with you."

"Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports"

"Soldier had his dominant hand blown off Guess you could say it was an explosive breakup"

"A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst."