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Joke of the Day

"If you tuck your t-shirt into your shorts, don't be surprised if my kid kicks you in the nuts. I'm trying to raise him right."

"Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top she's old enough. If it isn't cut the barrel down a bit."

"Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*"

"What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one"

"I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?"

"Non-consensual sex burns more calories than consensual sex."

"Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snow bank."

"Whats Black White and Red allover Detroit in winter"

"Optimism I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I just don't have a whole lot to work with."

"Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin."