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Joke of the Day

"Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*"

"So I was fucking my daughter last night... when my wife walked in. I don't know what she was more surprised by: the fact that I was fucking our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep it."

"How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm."

"Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats"

"Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween ? It was for 'tick or tweet' !"

"which country has the maximum number of bacteria, fungus, viruses and other micro organisms? GerMany"

"I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide. I don't know how she's going to take it."

"What's all pent-up and missing a cunt? Chelsea Manning."

"Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*"

"Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust Now I'm dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble"