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Joke of the Day

"I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?"

"*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Butch ! Butch who ? Butch your arms around me !"

"When I open the Sriracha and a bunch squirts out on its own I tell it that it's okay, it happens to a lot of hot sauces."

"*slams fists on coffee table* WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR"

"What separates man from animals? According to Donald Trump, the wall he is going to build."

"""OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this."" -Elephant"

"If I were to ask you to dance naked for me, would your answer be the same as to this question?"

"A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water."

"What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common? They are both over the counter strike"