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Joke of the Day

"WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*"

"Took my pet lion in an elevator along with shocked shoppers this morning. There was quite an uproar."

"Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner five in another and two in another how many would you have ? Pupil: One big haystack !"

"Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice."

"What's it called when an Arabic author releases their latest novel after dinner? Post-Hummus"

"Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat."

"Hey, remember when Dick Cheney told Sen. Leahy to go fuck himself? Yea, just wanted to refresh your mind."

"Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try. I've got this. *grabs a hammer*"

"What's your best limerick? There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini"

"If I ever have a baby, I hope it's a puppy."