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Joke of the Day

"What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line."

"There's both a McDonald's and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life."

"Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix."

"I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram."

"Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes"

"To get to the other side"

"Weight loss How can you help a fat person lose a quick 300 pounds? Give them a gun"

"The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series. I mean, the fifth book was dead serious."

"When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked."

"My friend's father is a Jew.... which makes him Jew-ish."