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Joke of the Day

"I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact."

"Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!"

"Let's walk barefoot on grass! -People who have never walked a dog"

"Momma didn't raise no fool. I did this all on my own."

"Sometimes a man has needs that can't be fulfilled in the home. [goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]"

"Why did Dory warn Nemo about escaping through the toilet? Because it was a sewer side mission!"

"[Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen"

"I just rewrote history!!!! ~~History~~ **History** im so lame omg..."

"The German folk singer was very dishonest with me. You could say that he lied."

"A joke I thought of back in the 5th grade. Why did the robber go !POP!... Because he was busted. EDIT: a little corney, but hey who gives a flying fuckaroo."