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Joke of the Day

"[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant"

"What do Pink Floyd, Dale Earnhardt, and Donald Trump have in common? The wall."

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round... and laughed..."

"Why are you baking octopus? So I can get octopi."

"Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won't notice that I'm sitting at their table eating their bread sticks."

"My Viagra addiction ..was the hardest time of my life."

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."

"She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]"

"Do you think Hitler got his inspiration from Hansel and Gretel? They did shove a long nosed witch into an oven."

"[rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* ""yo you a cop"" um no ""hmm ok what you want"" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*"