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Joke of the Day

"[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant"

"Everyone has to pay for their mistakes... except for banks. Banks are apparently exempt from a lot of shit."

"What do you get when you cross the Cosby Show with Law & Order: SVU? Women Say the Darndest Things"

"How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying."

"What do you call an ant in space ? Cosmonants & Astronants !"

"What did the gay frog say to his bf? Rimit rimit.."

"How did the sperm cross the road? I put the wrong socks on today. ^(credit to /u/jackster_)"

"Why did the electrician multiply distance and voltage? Because he forgot his voltmeter at home."

"I feel like we're so close to finding the perfect zinger that will make the whole country immediately unite."

"Bin Laden released an audio tape about the Christmas underwear bomber. A month later. Where has he been, living in a cave?"