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Joke of the Day

"A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad."

"Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients? The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet."

"Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here."

"There's a doctor who goes around my neighbourhood handing out body parts... ...he gives me the willies."

"My girlfriend had a heart to heart conversation with me today. She said she wanted some time and distance. Cool! She must really want to calculate velocity"

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice"

"What did the car-painter say to the carpenter? ""You sound just like me!"""

"What type of dog did the tweaker have? A pure bred meth lab."

"Show Jumping Some people call it ""Show Jumping"" I like to call it *Sarah Jessica Parkour*"

"[heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows"