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Joke of the Day

"Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here."

"I typed ""Missing medieval servant"" into Google... But it just came up with ""Page not found""."

"I used to drive a Toyota.... .... But then I got a job."

"viscoelasticity is a bit creepy"

"well, i guess this was bound to happen. i left the pot and the kettle on the stove overnight and the pot committed a hate crime."

"5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number."

"A family is at the table eating dinner. ""I don't like Grandpa"" said the boy to his Mom. ""That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead."" She replied."

"How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide? Alt-F4"

"I've only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I'll have plenty for retirement."

"Turns out the Joker has a criminally-insane dog. He's locked up in Barkham Asylum."