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Joke of the Day

"[heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows"

"Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and napalm have in common? They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds."

"I don't mean to brag, but instead of teaching a man how to fish, I just gave him a bunch of things to do when life hands him lemons."

"Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult."

"What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop."

"Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name."

"Knock, knock... Who's there? Daisy Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!"

"Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym."

"I am the designated driver of 5 40ish women attending a wine tasting. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time."

"If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?"