122349

Joke of the Day

"WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*"

"[my fitness dvd] ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind"

"What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds."

"Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters."

"I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just"

"Here's a Metallica joke for you. St. Anger."

"How does Bob Ross masturbate? He beats the devil out of it."

"I ""pet zone"" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there."

"Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't."

"What do you call a budget circumcision? A rip off."