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Joke of the Day

"[my fitness dvd] ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind"

"How do punctuation marks get freaky? The comma sutra"

"Two hippies, a man and a woman, fell off a cliff at the same time. Which one died first? Neither. It was a tie-die."

"What's an epileptic persons favorite pizza place? Little Ceizures."

"Things Red Bull has given me: 1) jitters 2) diarrhea 3) a heart attack Things Red Bull has not given me: 1) wings"

"I hate being ""backwards guy"" when moving funiture. I could get hurt."

"I bet Lady Gaga covers herself in glue and just rolls around in random objects."

"So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

"I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Because I explode on impact."

"""911, please help im dying"" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad"