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Joke of the Day

"Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election? I'm Biden my time."

"Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather..."

"If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for money... I'd still say no."

"At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, ""Make that 52."""

"Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants."

"Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub? Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower."

"DM:You're so hot, wanna Skype? Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka? DM: ME:hello...you there"

"[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes"

"Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics? Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States."

"I went to the club, now my friends call me Cheers... ...Because I star Ted Danson (say it out loud now)"