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Joke of the Day

"I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me."

"What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? Your ghostliness."

"Cop: Know why I stopped you? ""You heard the song I was playing?"" Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM ""ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"""

"Why can't America ever win a chess tournament? Because they're missing two towers"

"[first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in ""It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"""

"What type of fossil fuel likes to tell dick jokes? Crude Oil"

"Old man Manelli is cooking a chicken on a rotisserie in his front stoop When a hippy walks by. He stops, looks up and says: ""Hey man! The music stopped and your monkeys on fire"""

"I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times."

"my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE"

"Why is 9 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate a bunch of PCP and is going apeshit!"