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Joke of the Day

"How are you doing in arithmetic ? I've learned to add up the zeros but the numbers are still giving me trouble."

"Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn't make the cut."

"Where would Helen Keller park her car? On top of three children."

"A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him."

"Why can't Spongebob make the honor roll? Because he's a C sponge!"

"What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on."

"You know what's a shame? A bus carrying lawyers and politicians going off a cliff and everyone on board dying. You know what's a damn shame? There was an empty seat in the back. Edit: details."

"Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other. I went to law school for this."

"When a boy falls, what does he fall against? His will"

"What do tampons and white women have in common? They are both stuck up cunts."