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Joke of the Day

"Well, I guess I'll jump on the pirate train. What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? Finding a treasure chest with no booty."

"I quit my job at the helium factory today I won't stand to be spoke to in that tone of voice"

"The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle."

"Whats long brown and sticky? A stick"

"Giving ""the silent treatment"" only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say."

"What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate."

"A man walks into a library to check out a book for men with small penises. The librarian looks on her computer and says, ""I don't know if it's in yet."" ""Yeah that's the one"""

"When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?"

"Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they'd be extra soft."

"According to my doctor, it'd be healthiest to stay away from trans fats. I'm really going to miss tumblr."