111911

Joke of the Day

"Netflix reminds me of my girlfriend Probably because it's constantly asking me if I'm still here. Or maybe because it's not a real human being."

"A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich... After finishing his meal, he tries to pull out a gun, but the owner shoots him dead because he's seen this joke on /r/jokes a hundred times."

"If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer"

"I'm ""misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist"" white."

"Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong."

"Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?"

"What time do Lumberjacks take their tea-break? TREE O'clock!"

"Q: Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?"

"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking."

"Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we're regretting that decision."