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Joke of the Day

"I think that Stephen Hawking is a con man.... My sister is in a wheelchair and she's as thick as shit!"

"[me as a passenger on the titanic] oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse"

"My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"[Starbucks] ""Yes, I'd like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please."" Barista: Is Pepsi ok?"

"Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back."

"A Wife calls her son to see where him and his dad are He answers with moans in the backround, ""In my room?"" He says, the mom storms up there expecting porn, or sex. She got one of them right..."

"The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for saying the f-word 506 times The previous record was held by my dad putting together a table from IKEA."

"How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters? Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer."

"What do you call two brown people in a sleeping bag? Twix."

"Some subs... Are not the OP."