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Joke of the Day

"My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say ""hello?"" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise."

"I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked ""Which doctor?"" I replied ""No, a medical one."""

"The 2nd grade teacher asked parents to donate supplies for tie dye tshirt day but I'm not sure I can come up with that much weed by Friday."

"hey girls if you sleep with a guy then tell them you're pregnant they'll give you a bunch of money for an abortion I have like 50 cars"

"This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica.... Long story short....Send bail money..."

"movies never show the part in the ending where the hero drives into the sunset and has to pull down the visor"

"What do you call a green polo shirt? Collared greens"

"[me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died"

"People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian well nobody is laughing now"