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Joke of the Day

"How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it."

"What's so fragile that even mentioning it breaks it? The male ego."

"I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early"

"Snow is like the Jews ... Won't make you feel uncomfortable as long as you have a working furnace"

"Sure hope I haven't wasted my life being loyal to the wrong brand of toothpaste."

"I got banned from /r/ELI5 the other day I don't understand why"

"[commercial] WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim? NARRATOR: geese"

"friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive"

"No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark"

"Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?"