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Joke of the Day

"Sure hope I haven't wasted my life being loyal to the wrong brand of toothpaste."

"Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well."

"Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke? They don't find them Hume-erous."

"I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. I mean how the fuck do they fit a rucksack on a cow?"

"If you want to feel the bern Have unprotected sex."

"What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it."

"DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there."

"Did anyone see the transit of Venus? If so, was it a white one?"

"To be honest, I really don't give a f*ck. I lose friends, make friends and make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me..."