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Joke of the Day

"I'm the skeptical guy in the infomercial audience. I didn't believe a $20 food chopper could be such a good value. guess what. I was wrong."

"Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!"

"You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet."

"FARMER: you ok man? ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol FARMER: lol ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg"

"Why is Divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."

"I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure."

"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite..."

"What do you say when your girlfriend accuses you of being an ass man? I'm anything but."

"2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools. Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged."

"I heard about this one place with red signs that thanked drivers for slowing down... ...but when I drove by, everything was blue."