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Joke of the Day

"You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet."

"Opinions are like assholes... Everyone has one, but they all stink."

"Lifeguard 1: How was your day? Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad? 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers"

"i don't think that was a chocolate chip."

"Don't try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse."

"When I make you breakfast in bed, the least you can say is thank you. I mean what's with all this ""how did you get in my house"" nonsense?"

"Boy in the hospital, dying of cancer and grandma misplaces her glasses at the store and buys the first card she finds ""Get Good Soon"" [8]"

"Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation's ability to stow overhead luggage."

"Why do you stop at a stop sign? Just because it says to? What if it said ""Eat 54 chicken nuggets and do a cartwheel""? Would you do that too?"

"I miss my ex-girlfriend... I can't seem to hit her."