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Joke of the Day

"I was never great with girls but I have standards... I don't date ugly girls... I make them fucking ugly..."

"I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid."

"Did you hear about the spilt milk? It was an udder disaster...."

"Michelle takes Sasha and Malia on a trip to Paris for the week. Wanks Obama."

"Bears can swim, climb trees, and open doors. Why aren't there ""BEWARE OF BEARS"" signs posted fucking everywhere?!"

"Why do NBA players like poultry? Because they love to slam duck!"

"[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak] wife: ""it's so beautiful"" me: ""can you believe they named this after a website?"""

"Why did Steve Jobs die too soon? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family."

"My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'."