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Joke of the Day

"Karate classes... Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you."

"I was just eating cashews and one of them fell into my bra. Is it still a cashew or is it a chestnut now?"

"There was an ignition recall on my new car.... I guess we're off to a bad start."

"[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM ""No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."""

"What is black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee."

"me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*"

"In the beginning there was nothing... Then God said ""Let there be light!"" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Edit: Credit to Ellen DeGeneris."

"Going to open a used car dealership & employ only super cute girls who will cry until you buy something"

"What's the difference between a chicken and a hen? The spelling."

"Brexit, for France AdiEU"