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Joke of the Day

"Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going."

"How is a teacher like a hooker? They're both pretending that they're enjoying it."

"What's the difference between Bud Light and piss? The vortex bottle"

"My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA. Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake. At least either way I'm on the road to recovery."

"Why did the salmon cross the road? To get to the front page"

"3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy."

"Why did Microsoft skip straight to 10? Because Windows 7, 8, 9. I'll see myself out."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Some obscure number you probably never heard of."

"If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted."

"So hoola hoops are a thing again... I figured they'd swing in to style again eventually!"