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Joke of the Day

"Today I was asked, ""What is something you prefer from a sexual partner, but could go without?"" ""Consent"""

"WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those."

"If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month."

"What's the difference between a slut and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it."

"I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now."

"Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership."

"Russian Standard is a vodka and American Standard is a toilet. Russians are all drunks and Americans are all full of shit."

"Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make up everything."

"Why did the black man have to sell his parrot? because polly wanted a cracker"

"Local Drowning A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented ""He was too far out, man."""