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Joke of the Day

"If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month."

"Guns don't kill people. Wars and famine and disease and random accidents kill people. Also, sometimes guns. Have a good day!"

"*ring* Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline Me: Help please Her: Ok sir. Let's take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out Me: THIS ISN'T HELPING"

"I didn't know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That's you. Now, see the guy choking you? That's me."

"How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex? Call and let her know."

"My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car."

"I'm only putting a picture of me in my locket. This proves I'm independent."

"TIL my mom isn't a member of any organized political party. You see, she's a Republican."

"There are two types of people in the world Employed people and english majors"

"How can you tell when a fax has been sent by a blonde? When there's a stamp on it."