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Joke of the Day

"I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts."

"How to make your God proud? By abusing his names in other languages."

"UPDATE: This year's most popular Halloween costume will be Slutty Chilean Miner."

"When I see someone has 1,500 followers on twitter, I think ""that person must b funny"". 1,500 friends on FB ""that person is batshit crazy"""

"No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!"

"Hey, hot stuff. Pretty sweet vagina you got there. Maybe later, after I unload the dishwasher, we can-No? That's cool. I have stuff to read."

"Haven't worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years."

"There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods)."

"Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat... He was arrested for rustling."

"What's the difference between mathematicians and Syrian refugees? Mathematicians don't struggle with integration."