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Joke of the Day

"No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!"

"Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday. Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that."

"My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband."

"I asked a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless"

"Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven't decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed."

"My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, ""How old are you?"" I said, ""I'm five."" He said, ""When I was your age I was six."""

"How do you fit four gays on one stool? Flip it upside-down. (sorry in advance)"

"A girl phoned me the other day and said ""Come on over, there's nobody home."" I went over. Nobody was home."

"They should make Star Trek toilet paper... ...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus. (been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)"

"Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can. 2/10"