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Joke of the Day

"Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up Everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too."

"Why do we call it politics? Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites."

"What does it look like when you microwave a baby? Not sure, I close my eyes when I masturbate"

"A salesman came to my door and tried to sell me a coffin. ""Nah, thats the last thing I'll need"""

"I saw a Jewish Ghost last night... It was so scary I started to Shiva."

"My girlfriend keeps calling me immature. I guess the saying is true. You are what you eat."

"Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it's to be less of a nerd."

"How can you tell if someone's a Vegan? Don't worry... they'll tell you."

"Innocent little girl !! ""Would you make a frog noise for me?"" The grandad, confused asks, ""why?"" The little girl replies, ""dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland""."

"The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately."