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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices... I never asked them"

"FIRST TIME SEX My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: ""What are you doing?"" Me: ""I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering."

"If I had access to time travel, I'd use it to go back and cash in on some of those naps I was always refusing as a kid."

"I guess you could say Caitlyn Jenner is... Transjennered."

"I hired a PR team. They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people. I executed the PR team."

"I watched Se7en for the first time today, I was completely blind going in.. What's in the box!?!?!"

"making holy water is easy.... you boil the hell out of it but how to you turn that holy water back into regular tap water? You cook the bejesus out of it. *bejesus may be a local slang but i hope not."

"Last week I tried to give up swearing... ...but said ""fuck it"" instead."

"6-year-old: Where did the tornado go? Me: Don't worry. It's gone. 6: To where? Me: It just disappeared 6: Isn't that a little bit fishy?"

"Recycling Jesus died for our bins."