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Joke of the Day

"Would you like a havarti sandwich? No thank you, havarti got a sandwich! *rim shot*"

"[David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall"

"Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to..."

"I pushed the happy button... ...I just made it depressed."

"Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to."

"I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter... ... he didn't move diagonally"

"""Where will you see yourself in 15 years?"" A Mirror"

"Do not hit a woman... Do not hit a woman. Cause after all the shit, you need someone to make you a sandwich."

"A Joke What do you call a promiscious asian lady? A yellow taxi."

"It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won't jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them."